Where Are the Parents?

I have been disassociatively been seeing some of the coverage of the trials of youngsters recently, and have been disconcerted with why these kids are where they are.  The Newtown, Connecticut shooter, Adam Lanza, has been found to have been highly interested and engaged in the study of mass murders, furthering the notion that this wasn’t just someone gone cuckoo for a day – he wanted to emulate, and surpass the body counts of previous killings.  A bit closer to my neck of the woods, two teens in Steubenville, Ohio were just found guilty of raping a 16 year old girl last summer – and they took pictures and video of the entire evening as it took place, with onlookers doing nothing to stop it.  And yesterday, TJ Lane, the teenager who recently pleaded guilty to the shooting of schoolmates in Chardon, Ohio, came to his sentencing hearing wearing a t-shirt with the word “KILLER” written on the front.  And when allowed to speak after parents of the victims were given the opportunity to address him and the court (during which he smirked the entire time), he extended to them his middle finger and said, “F—k all of you.”

I say I’ve been watching disassociatively because I’ve been trying to avoid seeing this stuff.  The events themselves bother me, and the non-stop 24 hour round-the-clock coverage of such events and their aftermath disgusts me.  People just can’t get enough of it, and I find this growing preponderance very disturbing.  But I do watch the news every now and then, so the winding down of the court cases has been bumping the coverage back up.   And the one thing that keeps running through my head is this:  where the hell are the parents in these ordeals?

How did these kids get the idea that these actions are okay?  One actively studies mass murders, and no parent is there to question why?  Two others decide that, not only is rape okay, but it’s perfectly acceptable to photograph and video record it – AND then post it online?  How did they acquire this attitude?  Where are the parents?  And where are Lane’s parents?  Their kid kills students, and then taunts their families in court?  At what point did they stop giving a damn about their kid?

I was the oldest child in our house, so my parents knew very little about what to do with me when I turned obnoxious – ahem – became a teenager.  Everything I did was a lesson for them in learning how to prevent my brothers from doing the same thing.  And when they reached a point of not knowing what to do with me anymore, they admitted me to a facility for kids with family problems.  I hated them for it, but in hind sight, I know they were worried and thought experts could succeed where they felt they had failed.  They were wrong – well, not entirely.  There wasn’t anything “wrong” with me – I was just an asshole who was way too smart for his own good.  So putting me in this place at least kept me out of trouble for the most part.  I was only there for a few months (the psychologist in charge of my case was fed up with me), but less than a year later, I was out of the house for good. 

My point here is this:  my parents may not have known how to handle me, but they never stopped trying.  And most of the things I did, my brothers weren’t allowed to get away with as they grew up.  Each kid brings his/her own set of problems, naturally, so some things will always be new to Mom and Dad.  But the point is to keep trying.  The lessons don’t go away just because the kid isolates him/herself.  And it seems like that’s what has happened to parents of the younger generations.  Kids are smarter and more independent earlier in life, and at some point the parents leave them to their own devices.  DON’T.  The law may have gotten in the way of disciplining children (to our disservice), but never stop teaching them right from wrong.  At my worst, there were just things I would never do – I knew better.  And when I stopped being an angry asshole (after I moved out of the house and only had myself to answer to), I decided to not fight with anyone ever again – wasn’t worth it.  I resolved to never get angry about things that just don’t matter in the grand scheme of life – it’s just not worth it.  All my parents’ lessons stuck, even if I stopped caring about them for a while.  And I’ve only gotten angry a handful of times in the last 25 years.  I don’t think people truly understand how freeing it is to CHOOSE to let things roll off your shoulders, not get mad about stuff that happens (especially when anger doesn’t solve anything – the problem still exists and has to be dealt with, but now you’ve taken yourself to a bad place you have to recover from, which drags out the process), even if anger would be justified.  You simply take each problem and try to solve it.  Blow off steam if you have to – just not at your kids.    Isolating yourself from your children is not the answer.  It’s about preserving your own peace.  And your kids will grow to replicate THAT behavior as well.